Lately

Feels like I've been exerting my pain on these threads, these post, these outburst and what not.
I'm at that point where all the things that remind me of my past pain is coming to remind me why I AM in pain. I live on that thought that god only gives us a brief taste of heaven only to take it away from us a couple moments later.

Another 3rd part reminds me that its only that Spanish part that reminds me that I'm going to amount to nothing. That same Spanish part that forced my people into a religion that us as "Filipinos" believe. A religion that contains "THE beginning" of civilization and which contains NO evidence of our people what-so-ever!

That is another story though. That right there is an ongoing thought, also an ongoing fight....

Reason for this post is that I'm falling back into the open arms of pain.

Pain has been there for me the longest. I just about find solace in it. Its the most that I can relate with, because its ALWAYS been there.

Every time it comes around, I don't welcome it with open arms, for the fact that it just comes on its own. There is no way to stop it. The only way to deal with it is just let-it-happen.

People always say "things don't work out in life"...in my experiences "things never work out...unless you do something about it"

I hear things about this P.U.S.H. (pray until something happens)
For the many of you who are trying this, I hope things work out for you.
In my world, praying isn't shit, because shit just happens weather you like it or not.
My world may seem pessimistic but the truth is that prayers don't work for me. It especially didn't work out for my late mom, my late grandparents, my late auntie, and my late cousin....R.I.P.....

All my life, its been all about my own two hands.
I'm not sure what started these two hands, but all I know the future was created because of MY OWN TWO HANDS! Its not like I'm trynna imitate god or whatnot, but thats how I really grew up.

I don't care if shit don't work out for the rest of my life....i don't care if you just sit up in your high and mighty chair while i stress and cry about my poor situations,....The most thing I'm proud is that I didn't need YOU to get myself to where I am right now. PUT your challenges on some other fucker who still cares about religion...YOUR religion.....You took so much away from my family... you TOOK my family!...I never asked for you to give your only son for the sake for our sins. If anything, I would have been against it. So don't put your faults on my way of life....If anything, our people believed another being other than YOU! Before King Fucker took over our people....

a little more recognition for the less fortunate such as I,,,,.........

...

I believe we shouldn't follow any kind of path but our own. We may still have idols in our life, but they shouldn't be totally replicated in our directions.

What are we all doing this for? Why do we choose to go forward? Are we trying to achieve the highest point of happiness, or are we trying to go so far to make the closest to us happy? Or are we just trying to leave a meaningful footprint?

Why should I go any further if its all just for nothing?

These are the type of thought that make me think, but end up in a sense to where I say "fuck it, just keep going." The best thing out of this is living for the moment, for the many moments, to dwell within those moments, especially the meaningful and good ones....

"Make it a good one so that it will imprint a huge impact!"

i just want something new to happen to me...

Walking on an Invisible Path

10 years ago, I saw myself almost exactly how I am today. The only difference is that I don't drive a turbo'd SUV......and I don't have a place of my own. I consider myself to be living pretty well, but as we all are, we expect ourselves to be in a better situation than we are right now.

We say that we are old. We aren't getting any younger. Time doesn't matter to me. What matters is what time it is NOW and what we have during this era. I still think that it is not enough. I still feel as if I'm only 10% complete.

I'm at that age where I should have already found someone and had a child. The age I am is the same age my parents conceived me. I feel as if I missed a huge milestone. At the same time, its not like I'm trying to pursue it and make it happen. I'm not trying to force a legacy, all I'm doing is letting it happen, letting it flow as if it were the slow waters of a river.

On another note, I'm tired of the chase. I feel that I'm too tired from "That Chase." I feel that I deserve a big break from the reason that I've had such a struggling life.

Deep down inside, I feel as if loneliness overwhelms me, No matter who I am with, no matter how many people are with or around me. Its not like I shun out my friends or peers nor do I exclude them from my feelings or mind. I do not try to pose as a higher being acting like I'm better than everybody nor do I act like no one isn't worthy to be on my level...

Maybe I'm just trying to reserve that spot for someone. I dunno, sometimes I think that my level of thinking is even too advanced for my OWN mind processes.

I just wish things went easy for me. I wish I had the abilities to handle this. I wish I was good at relationships.............

please don't patronize me with your cliche sayings.....

I hope I didn't wish on the blue star for nothing..

A post i made 7 years ago

shoot! i was hatin life back then:

(my grammer is bad so i can make the words rhyme) "sometimes i see you but you are far away. i wish you were within my grasp for the whole day. i walk this path of destruction hoping it will lead to some light, but it feels as if i am descending to darkness, losing the fight. is there anyone for me, any angel to save my life without her im burning in hell, no one to be a wife. for all the angels who have fallen and faded. i had not a chance to save you, it was your choice to be tainted. i number my days with unsober inebriation. my heart withers away with such intoxication. i dont fall all the way, with the way of my demons but at the rate of my living, just wait till we see 'em. people say that life will get better for me it gets worse, blood only gets wetter. love is so deep, love is so true. the more i love, my heart only goes blue. no heaven for me, to touch and to see. why is greatness suspended from me? if i cant keep going, i'll only go harder, my hate my anger will make me go faster it keeps me alive other than hope. theres not much room to climb on the rope. others go and wither, others die at a haste. i think i should go a bit futher or i can just O.D. on H.

Wishes of the Past

People my age always say "we're getting old", "i feel old".

I don't see it that way. For one reason, there are older people than us. Those people are living their lives out way more than us who are 20-38 and whatnot. I even catch older people living the life as if they were still in their younger 20's.

I still feel as if im in that 17- 23 age bracket.... mostly due to my lack of "HighSchool-hood."
I never really got to experience what everyone had, from parties, popularity, trouble, cars, basically a middle-classed teen would get to experience.

I was raised through very hard times. Times you'd only hear about through your elders. Yeah, maybe I was one of that 35 percentile who smoked and drank since I was 12, but that was money tethered from the other homies just to have that nicotine and alcohol fix.

All I can say is that I wish I was more fortunate, got into more school activities, and been a normal in-crowd-er.

???

My mind has been going left and right. It's not a lack of focus but more like my mind is drowning into a sea of bliss.

friends

There is this group I grew up with but I no longer chill with. I have my reasons but I can't explain it. Either I have no reason to push them away or I just can't find the words to explain it.

I have my definite friends/family outside of the complex i grew up in. I relate to them perfectly. The best way i can explain my reasons for pushing this certain group away can be explained in a list:

:

1) Hanging out with them isn't the same like back then

2) I can't share info, thoughts, laughter

3) When we hang, I shove away in a corner

Sounds egotistical when I say this but

4) I feel like they aren't on my level.

5) I feel that I'm not progressing in life with them.

6) They do the same thing everytime

7) Hanging with them feels like a waste of time.

The list goes on, but i don't want it to seem like I'm bad mouthing them. A couple months ago, one of them came to my pad. He was very rude, drunk, and disturbing. It was actually a upgrade from what he used to be. I tried to talk and reason with him but he wasn't trying to comprehend my side. He gave that speech about how I acted all high and mighty to hang with them. Basically he was right about a few things.

I guess they became suspicious when I didn't add them on facebook. It's like i can't share my life with them anymore. That love isn't there like it used to be. Consider me a bad person all you want but you can't fit into a shoe that you out grew from years ago.

The friends/Fam I still got is the best.They aren't losers. Imma go all the way with them. With them, I feel progressing in life.They are the ones who make ME!

Fyi, if you on my Facebook,then u know i wasn't talking bout you.